HI, introducing Fernanda our new intern to the top. We hope you enjoy her first story in this first installment of the Top in Women's History Month.

For Women’s History Month, I want to comment on something that is present in the lives of many women in creative fields: imposter syndrome. The feeling of not being good enough despite all of your achievements. This made me reflect on my own experiences navigating fear and self-doubt.

As an international student from Brazil coming from a low income background, I feel that I have to prove myself much more than any native student or other international students with financial privilege. I came from public schools with very limited resources, learned English by myself through YouTube, and even though I was always a dreamer, I never thought very highly of myself. For a long time, I was also afraid to try, because I did not see myself as good or intelligent enough.

At the beginning of the year, a video caught my attention: “Trying to get rejected one thousand times.” The title caught my attention, and I saw a girl my age named Gabriella who created a goal for herself to be rejected one thousand times, applying to things she was not fully qualified for, such as applying for a National Pageant title and for a Dutch passport. The video went viral with 3 million views, where she shared her journey in a series, asking bold questions and placing herself in environments that intimidated her. “Chase rejection,” she said. This immediately stuck with me, and I began thinking about how much I am afraid of hearing a “no” and how that bold attitude sounded like challenging the system. And for me, it would mean challenging all the walls I built around myself to avoid frustration and getting hurt. And that was when I realized how brave she was and that I should also chase rejection.

Video by Gabriella Carr on TIkTok

Being honest, I have always been afraid of many things: insects, roller coasters, heights. As I grew older, some fears remained, but most of them became deeper: not being good enough, not being ready, not being chosen. That silent voice that asks, “What is the point of trying?” I would say that this is how I lived most of my middle school and high school years, hiding in a corner of the classroom with my head down while creating an imaginary world in my notebook to escape reality. I am a naturally introverted person, I think a lot before speaking. Whenever there is a group discussion or I need to socialize with others, I replay the entire conversation in my head over and over again. I will never be the person to speak loudly in a room, raise my hand first, or share an idea without having rehearsed it many times. I was always aware that I could be judged, that I might not be intelligent enough, or that I might accidentally mix up my words. It was the constant fear of being observed, of saying something wrong and that changing people’s perception of me. I was afraid of being seen and heard, even though I had so many thoughts in my head and so much to say. But fear always stopped me from trying.

During the pandemic something changed. While the world was in quarantine, locked inside their rooms, I felt like I was in my comfortable space. I no longer needed to socialize, attend classes in person, or present in front of the entire class. But that was when I felt an emptiness. I had a lot of time to think about how my fear of rejection had prevented me from living my life. And that was when I decided to change. Like Gabriella on TikTok, I placed a mission in my mind: I need to try. I need to be seen. I started with small things like learning how to do makeup and posting my videos online, and later creating a social project that collected 5,000 books across eleven cities and three states in Brazil. I had always seen myself as someone who was not capable or good enough. I made hundreds of applications and sent emails to professors at universities in the United States. I created a LinkedIn profile. By the end of the first semester of my journey, I had been accepted into a program at the Clinton Foundation, having my project supported and even speaking with Chelsea Clinton. I thought I would never belong in spaces like that. Someone like me? A Brazilian girl from a small city? Who did not even have the courage to talk to people while looking into their eyes?

But someone believed in me, while hundreds of others did not. But that was okay. My mantra became “I only need one yes.” During two years of this journey, I received hundreds of rejections, but also a couple of yeses that were exactly what I needed. During that time I applied to different side quests: I created an online makeup store, recorded a streaming episode about my social project, dyed my hair neon green, and raised $10,000 through an online campaign to study in South Korea. When I look back now, I realize that I have been chasing rejection for a long time: being rejected by universities in the United States, by many jobs including unpaid ones, my first unsuccessful job interview which ended with me crying, do not ask me how, and applying to 800 internship positions. Yes, I received 800 rejections and a lot of ghosting that I counted in a spreadsheet. Eight hundred times I risked hearing that I was not enough. There were moments when I was told that it was already too late in the recruiting process, that I should stop trying, or that it would be better to wait until the next year. In June, I landed my dream internship at Legendary Entertainment in LA, where I worked with my favorite movie trilogy, Dune and other movies such as Godzilla and Street Fighter. And I did it with no connections. Not because I was not afraid. Not because I never doubted myself. But because I continued even when it felt uncomfortable to continue.

In the end, I realized that chasing rejection is not about humiliating myself or doing grand things. Sometimes it is something much simpler: raising your hand even when your voice is shaking, speaking a little louder even when you are afraid of being judged, sharing your ideas instead of keeping them to yourself, applying for opportunities that intimidate you instead of waiting until you feel ready. Because the real cost is not rejection. It is stagnation. It is not living the life you love because you are afraid to try, and looking back realizing that you stayed silent where you deserved to speak. Being introverted, I learned that courage is not always loud; sometimes it is simply insisting: sending the email anyway, trying anyway, speaking anyway. Maybe Gabriella’s story is not about 1,000 rejections, but about 1,000 times choosing not to let fear decide.

All you need is one person to believe in you. If you really want to try something, just do it.

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